In which I like thumbs.

(I would like to apologize in advance for spelling mistakes. I typed this while looking at the words in the book and not my hands or the screen. And then was too lazy to edit it. I'm sure you can understand what I mean.)


"The ending of a book is, in my experience, both the best and the worst part to read. For the ending will often decide whether you love or hate the book.

"Both emotions lead to disappointment. If the ending was good, and the book was worth your time, then you are left annoyed and depressed because there us no more book to read. However, if the ending was bad, then it's too late to stop reading. You're left annoyed and depressed because you wasted so much time on a book with a bad ending.

"Therefore, reading is obviously worthless, and you should go spend your time on other, more valuable pursuits. I hear algebra is good for you. Kind of like humility, plus factoring. Regardless, you will soon know whether to hate me for not writing more, or whether to hate me for writing too much. Please confine all assassination attempts to the school week, as I would rather not die on a Saturday."

"I apologize for that last chapter. It was far too deep and ponderous. At this rate, it won't be long before this story departs speaking of evil Librarians, and instead turns into a terribly boring tale about a lawyer who defends unjustly accused field hands.

"What do mockingbirds have to do with that, anyway?"

"You could even scan to the end and read the last page. Know that by doing so, however, you would violate every holy and honorable story-telling principle known to man, thereby throwing the universe into chaos and causing grief to untold millions.

"Your choice."

And on the very last page...

"And so, untold millions screamed out in pain, and then were suddenly silenced. I hope you're happy.

"(This was included for anyone who skipped forward to read the last page of the book. For the rest of you -- the ones who reached the last page in the proper, honorable, Smedry-approved matter -- those untold millions are cheering in praise of your honesty.

"They'll probably throw you a party.)"

"Some people assume that authors write books because we have vivid imaginations and want to share our vision. Other people assume that authors write because we are bursting with stories, and therefore must scribble those stories down in moments of creative propondidty.

"Both groups of people are completely wrong. Authors write books for one, and only one, reason: because we like to torture people.

"Now, actual torture is frowned upon in civilized society. Fortunately, the authorial community has discovered in storytelling an even more powerful -- and more fulfilling -- means of causing agony in others. We write stories. And by doing so,  we engage in a perfectly legal method of doing all kinds of mean and terrible things to our readers.

"Take, for instance, the word I used above. Propondidty. There is no such word -- I made it up. Why? Because it amused me to think of thousands of readers looking up a nonsense word in their dictionaries.

"Authors also write lovable, friendly characters -- then proceed to do terrible things to them (like throw them in unsightly, Librarian-controlled dungeons), This makes readers feel hurt and worried for the characters. The simple truth is that authors like making people squirm. If this weren't the case, all novels would be filled completely with cute bunnies having birthday parties."

Which reminds me, I found a blog called Hyperbole and a Half. My favourite's the one about the Alot.

I also have Tumblr.

(The quotes, by the way, are from Alcatraz versus the Evil Librarians by 'Brandon Saderson.')

(...)